Sasquatch! Music Festival.This is an awesome four-day Memorial Day weekend music
festival at the stunning Gorge Amphitheatre in George, Washington that made me
experience all five stages of “The Grieving Process,” which I have officially coined
as “The Music Photographer Mom’s Media Pass Process.”This may not make sense to you, so let me lay it out.
Phase 1 – DENIAL
- “Oh my goodness!I ACTUALLY get
to go to the Sasquatch Festival with a Media Pass!4 days of music and camping and music and photographs and
music and people!I can’t believe
it.And my husband is okay with me
leaving for 4 days.No way!This is awesome!Seriously?It can’t be…” and so on and so forth.
Phase 2 – ANGER – After
committing to take on the challenge of covering Sasquatch Festival, and after
the Exciting Denial phase, my husband and I sat down with all of the details
and our bank statements, and then came the ‘I want to support you, but we
really can’t afford this right now.’Followed by me doing everything in my power to justify this.“…and Micah just turned 2.Is it really that good for you to leave
him for 4 days?Is he going to
understand what’s happening?What
if he freaks out, and I need you to come home?” ALL completely legitimate
concerns, mind you, and I had even thought of them myself, but I wasn’t about
to hear it … so I defended my stance.
Phase 3- BARGAINING – “Okay, what if I drive
separately so I’ll have a car there in case of an emergency?” “What if I stay
at the hotel with Morgen, instead of camping alone?” “What if I make you a meal
plan and cut up all of the fruits and vegetables for you and Micah?” “What if I
iron all of your clothes and vacuum and wake up early with Micah every day
until then and….” so on and so forth.
Phase 4 – DEPRESSION
– “I feel like such a jerk for ignoring my husband’s concern.I can’t believe I’m going to leave my 2
year old for 4 days!What if he
doesn’t understand, and he thinks I left him?What is he hates me when I come back?I feel so selfish.I hate feeling selfish…”
Phase 5 – ACCEPTANCE – “Dude.My ducks are in a row.I’ve done the laundry, made a meal
plan, loved on my family, researched and experienced the bands, made a plan,
got the funding, packed up, cleaned the house, put my son down for bed, made a
‘paper chain count-down’ so my kiddo can count down the days and naps with
daddy that are left until mommy comes home, made my husband his favorite top
ramen at 12:30am, and now…JUST now…I can say that I have accepted this
‘mission’ and am so EXCITED to go officially
This was Micah at 6 months. It was one of the first times eating off the spoon. I guess we didn't make it too easy for him, since it was liquid and all, but...we've come a long way. ha.
I had just put Micah to bed and sat down in my comfy gliding chair for a few minutes of ...breathing...re-centering...and came across these two videos. I've been in quite the reflective mood this past week. I'm sick again, had no voice for a couple of days, have been longing for campfires and sunshine, and can't believe that it's been one full year since I was in labor with my most precious child. In my pensive and solemn state, I came across these songs...and completely melted in my chair. My life right now is so cherished. I wouldn't trade it for anything. It's also very settled with moments of unappreciated hard work, and every now again, I need a quick escape to a different world...where I am only a self, without a label, without a description, without expectations. A world where I can just breathe. Just be. These took me there.
I've been inspired to write a letter to Micah, for almost a year now...I've written him a few letters here and there, kept a journal for him, but nothing like what I truly want to gift him. Advice...a better perspective on how I genuinely feel about him and about being his mother...about how my relationship with God has completely transitioned into honest faith, trust, and love, how Trevor and I have grown into such a deep appreciation and respect for one another, and how I've come to understand the depths of God's love for us...all through being Micah's mother.
Micah's birthday is May 9th. One year old. One year ago, I was holding my tummy and praying for a smooth delivery. I was afraid of the unknown and inevitable pain, curious about how the labor would go, excited to meet my little bear, and weirded out to know that it would be the last day I'd have a 40 something inch waist, the last day I'd feel him dancing around inside of me, the last day I'd be able to quickly run to the grocery store or go to Happy Hour at any restaurant. I was interested to see how Trevor would hold up with the natural water birth...the realities of the unpretty side of childbirth. Put on your science hat, because there's going to be some pretty gnarly stuff coming out of there...as amazingly romantic, poetic, and peaceful as our labor and delivery was, there was still a good hour or two of science class with our midwife. haha.
Micah, I have not spent a night without you at the foot of my bed. I have not left you for more than a 6 hour work day. I have taken you on adventures at an age where you probably should've still been hiding out in the comforts of our home. You have amazed me, tickled me, loved me, inspired me, fascinated me, taught me, connected me, refreshed me, and humbled me to level of sheer passion.
Your daddy and I went to our Bible Study tonight and learned that "passion" literally means, "to suffer." I feel that. So deeply, I feel that. To be passionate about something or someone...means to care for them or about that so intensely that it brings great anguish...that you pick up your cross and do what needs to be done...all out of love.
Son, I love you passionately. You've opened my heart to a state of complete vulnerability, and I have most definitely experienced great pain and anguish, because of my love for you. From the nights I hear you cry in pain with new teeth, to your sweet whimper when you're tired, to your little arms that reach out for me when I have to leave for work, and to the day I held you in my arms while you were having a seizure. I have experienced anguish.
I have suffered because of my love for you. My days have been overwhelming, my bank account emptied...my house has become a disaster, and my time for myself has disappeared. I have gotten more sick and malnourished in the past year than I have in the 5 years prior, and I have become selfless to a level that I used to believe was an unhealthy loss of identity. I have mourned for myself, wept to myself, and cursed inanimate objects for inconveniencing my already inconvenient lifestyle.
Life has been anything but easy this past year...but no one ever said motherhood was easy. No one ever said that I would get two full consecutive nights of sleep in the first year. No one ever said that I would be a mother goddess who constantly radiated love and light with you in my arms. I've definitely had my radiant moments, but for the most part, I have permanent bags under my bloodshot eyes, my hair is often ratty and unwashed, and I'm often found wearing unmatching, outdated and baggy clothes with a bowl of cereal in one hand and you in my other. It's a sacrifice...that comes from a passion...a passion for the sweetest little soul in one's life...a passion born the moment I got that no one was going to be able to give birth for me...the moment I understood that the only way out was through...the moment I learned the biggest lesson in faith and release...the moment I transformed into a mother.
You are what I live for. You are the purpose behind all that I do. Your presence in this world has connected me closer than ever to God and your daddy. You have blessed me in ways that no one else could ever grasp.
I wish I put this video together and wrote the words she speaks so eloquently. It is everything I want to say to you. Know that I love you dearly and would never take back any moment that I have experienced with you.
Here's to a year of laughter, anguish, joy, tears, love, sacrifice and intense passion. Here's to many more years of that...I look forward to them and accept them whole-heartedly.
After reading a friend's tribute to his sweet car...that sounds so trivial, but I assure you, she was more than any regular car...
Here is my contribution to the memories that I am honored to have experienced with her and her dear companion, Brad.
A recipe for phenomenal road trips:
1 part: good transportation
12 parts: good tunes
1 part: Rand McNally
1 part: staple snacking food (ie - trail mix, dried fruit, MREs, rice and beans, or Cheetos)
0-4 parts: (variable depending on your desire and taste): good company
1 part: (optional - sometimes a necessity): some pretty sweet camping gear
Ruth and Victor (my now deceased vehicle), stopped to observe opening day of fishing - One Million? - what an amazing surprise...a highway lined with campers, tackle boxes, fishing poles, fire pits, bbqs, kids, old men, worms, cigarettes and alcohol.
