Yesterday, I took the bus to work. I was in a panic from the moment I woke up to the moment I sat down on the bus, because I have a way about me that results in many, many missed busses, trains, and flights. That is another story...or 12.
Once on the bus, it was so calming and peaceful. I took a few deep breaths, closed my eyes, turned on my ipod, listened to some of my favorite "travel songs," and felt like an individual again. It's been over a year and a half since I found out that I was going to be mother. Over a year and a half since Trevor and I committed ourselves to each other for eternity, and over a year and a half since I really gave myself more than a couple minutes of "me time." So on the bus this morning...with this music...the sun just beginning to peer over the mountain range and light up the water...the hum of the bus tires on the freeway...the dim, flickering florescent lights...the smell of recycled air blowing through the heater...I breathed...breathed until the son took me home...home to prayer...home to myself...I almost forgot who she was...I've been mother and "wife" for what feels like, to me (keeping in mind who I am), so long...and then I got it. After a heartfelt prayer over "Explosions in the Sky," God reminded me of who I am, what I love, and what I'm called to do. I am a woman who loves to serve...to humbly help a person in need...to travel...to put up my sail and glide as God's breath guides me in whatever direction He chooses. I love to trust God. To open myself up and say, "ok God. I'm here. I'm ready. Where am I going now?"
So, sitting on this bus, I said, "ok God. I'm here. I'm ready. Where am I going now?"
You know what he said? Something I never thought I'd hear him say. "Megan, you're not going anywhere right now."
"WHAT?!?! But that's not what I wanted to hear! That must not be God. That must be my ego. Let's try this again..." (funny how we try to only credit a voice as God when it's convenient for us)
"Ok God. I'm here. I'm ready. Where am I going now?"
"Megan, you're not going anywhere right now."
"doh! That was definitely God."
"Ok God...explain please...because that makes me feel stuck."
"You're calling is to your fiance. To your son. You are working full time now, but it won't be for long. It is only temporary. After your wedding, you will be a stay at home mom...and it will delight you. You will nurture and educate your son, you will take care of your husband (because he wouldn't take care of himself without you), and you will make time for your self and your art and writing.
"Megan, when you and your family are ready, you will be called to be Missionaries. You will make a difference. You will travel. You will wear the armor of God, and I will protect you. Do not fear, for even though you will be mocked, shamed, and persecuted, you will exist in eternity...forever basking in the light of God."
God's voice sounds amazing floating on top of the amazing melodies of "Explosions in the Sky" by the way. I've always known I was called to love the unloved. To be a light in the darkness. To guide people to Him. No matter how much I tried to push that idea away for fear of being judged or humiliated, it always came back to me. I also used to believe, and have audibly said, many times before, "God didn't call me to be a wife. He called me to love the unloved." I now believe that was a convenient way for me to keep men at a distance. To be intimate with many and committed to none. I once had an atheist tell me, (after kissing me) "Megan, I don't know what this is, but if this is God (meaning, the connection between us, and the feeling he had), then I believe in Him." I smiled, left him, and haven't talked to him since. Apparently, I thought my work was done. Some missionary. : /
Enter Trevor...
It definitely took a persistent man and some serious praying to learn that I would one day make an amazing wife, and that I actually desire to be the kind of wife God describes in the Bible. Truly. Growing up, I would often question if the voices I "heard" were God's or Satan's. If the desires were God-given or temptations. Sometimes I still questions. But when I know I hear God's voice...I know I hear God's voice...
"Megan, you are called to serve me...by serving your husband."
That was God.
I've heard before, "If you want to serve Jesus, become a priest. If you want to be like Jesus, get married." What a way to put your faith into action. Live every day with the same people. It will challenge you. You will be tempted to leave. You will struggle to be present, to not get resentful, to not get angry or annoyed, to not get overwhelmed. Regardless of what you're feeling...if you want to run...if you want to hide under the covers and disappear for a week...if you want to throw a bowl across the kitchen...you are where you are meant to be, and in every action you take that serves your family...you are serving God. And you will be GREATLY rewarded. So serve God. Be like Jesus. Study his ways.
Matthew Kelly, one of my favorite speakers/writers, once signed one of his books for me. He signed it, "There is nothing more attractive than holiness. - Matthew Kelly" That was one of the most transformational moments in my life. That one sentence has stayed with me for almost 10 years and has become my constant prayer and mantra. "Lord, let me be like you. Let others look upon me and see your love and grace."
So, I'm on a bus...and I hear God's voice over the sweet melodies of "Explosions in the Sky." I smile at the thought that God's got good taste in music too.
