We've come a long way

This was Micah at 6 months. It was one of the first times eating off the spoon. I guess we didn't make it too easy for him, since it was liquid and all, but...we've come a long way. ha.

My Light...

I can't embed this video, so go here and you're day will be immediately brightened.

http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=1896345321625

My soul just melted...

I had just put Micah to bed and sat down in my comfy gliding chair for a few minutes of ...breathing...re-centering...and came across these two videos. I've been in quite the reflective mood this past week. I'm sick again, had no voice for a couple of days, have been longing for campfires and sunshine, and can't believe that it's been one full year since I was in labor with my most precious child. In my pensive and solemn state, I came across these songs...and completely melted in my chair. My life right now is so cherished. I wouldn't trade it for anything. It's also very settled with moments of unappreciated hard work, and every now again, I need a quick escape to a different world...where I am only a self, without a label, without a description, without expectations. A world where I can just breathe. Just be. These took me there.

Brass from Christian Sorensen Hansen on Vimeo.

Lost In My Mind from Christian Sorensen Hansen on Vimeo.

If only I had the words...

I've been inspired to write a letter to Micah, for almost a year now...I've written him a few letters here and there, kept a journal for him, but nothing like what I truly want to gift him. Advice...a better perspective on how I genuinely feel about him and about being his mother...about how my relationship with God has completely transitioned into honest faith, trust, and love, how Trevor and I have grown into such a deep appreciation and respect for one another, and how I've come to understand the depths of God's love for us...all through being Micah's mother.

Micah's birthday is May 9th. One year old. One year ago, I was holding my tummy and praying for a smooth delivery. I was afraid of the unknown and inevitable pain, curious about how the labor would go, excited to meet my little bear, and weirded out to know that it would be the last day I'd have a 40 something inch waist, the last day I'd feel him dancing around inside of me, the last day I'd be able to quickly run to the grocery store or go to Happy Hour at any restaurant. I was interested to see how Trevor would hold up with the natural water birth...the realities of the unpretty side of childbirth. Put on your science hat, because there's going to be some pretty gnarly stuff coming out of there...as amazingly romantic, poetic, and peaceful as our labor and delivery was, there was still a good hour or two of science class with our midwife. haha.

Micah, I have not spent a night without you at the foot of my bed. I have not left you for more than a 6 hour work day. I have taken you on adventures at an age where you probably should've still been hiding out in the comforts of our home. You have amazed me, tickled me, loved me, inspired me, fascinated me, taught me, connected me, refreshed me, and humbled me to level of sheer passion.

Your daddy and I went to our Bible Study tonight and learned that "passion" literally means, "to suffer." I feel that. So deeply, I feel that. To be passionate about something or someone...means to care for them or about that so intensely that it brings great anguish...that you pick up your cross and do what needs to be done...all out of love.

Son, I love you passionately. You've opened my heart to a state of complete vulnerability, and I have most definitely experienced great pain and anguish, because of my love for you. From the nights I hear you cry in pain with new teeth, to your sweet whimper when you're tired, to your little arms that reach out for me when I have to leave for work, and to the day I held you in my arms while you were having a seizure. I have experienced anguish.

I have suffered because of my love for you. My days have been overwhelming, my bank account emptied...my house has become a disaster, and my time for myself has disappeared. I have gotten more sick and malnourished in the past year than I have in the 5 years prior, and I have become selfless to a level that I used to believe was an unhealthy loss of identity. I have mourned for myself, wept to myself, and cursed inanimate objects for inconveniencing my already inconvenient lifestyle.

Life has been anything but easy this past year...but no one ever said motherhood was easy. No one ever said that I would get two full consecutive nights of sleep in the first year. No one ever said that I would be a mother goddess who constantly radiated love and light with you in my arms. I've definitely had my radiant moments, but for the most part, I have permanent bags under my bloodshot eyes, my hair is often ratty and unwashed, and I'm often found wearing unmatching, outdated and baggy clothes with a bowl of cereal in one hand and you in my other. It's a sacrifice...that comes from a passion...a passion for the sweetest little soul in one's life...a passion born the moment I got that no one was going to be able to give birth for me...the moment I understood that the only way out was through...the moment I learned the biggest lesson in faith and release...the moment I transformed into a mother.

You are what I live for. You are the purpose behind all that I do. Your presence in this world has connected me closer than ever to God and your daddy. You have blessed me in ways that no one else could ever grasp.

I wish I put this video together and wrote the words she speaks so eloquently. It is everything I want to say to you. Know that I love you dearly and would never take back any moment that I have experienced with you.

Here's to a year of laughter, anguish, joy, tears, love, sacrifice and intense passion. Here's to many more years of that...I look forward to them and accept them whole-heartedly.

Why is it...

Why is it called stainless steel if its so hard to clean???

A Contribution to a Tribute

After reading a friend's tribute to his sweet car...that sounds so trivial, but I assure you, she was more than any regular car...

Here is my contribution to the memories that I am honored to have experienced with her and her dear companion, Brad.

A recipe for phenomenal road trips:

1 part: good transportation

12 parts: good tunes

1 part: Rand McNally

1 part: staple snacking food (ie - trail mix, dried fruit, MREs, rice and beans, or Cheetos)

0-4 parts: (variable depending on your desire and taste): good company

1 part: (optional - sometimes a necessity): some pretty sweet camping gear

Ruth and Victor (my now deceased vehicle), stopped to observe opening day of fishing - One Million? - what an amazing surprise...a highway lined with campers, tackle boxes, fishing poles, fire pits, bbqs, kids, old men, worms, cigarettes and alcohol.

Ruth passing by...

On the road again...

Only in America Collection

Classic. A riding lawn mower parked in a handicap spot. ha.

Ruth got a kick out of that one too.

Settling in...

A reflective sunset...

A common sight between two trusted companions...

Her door was always open...

A picture's worth a thousand words...

Put up the sails...even when God wants to keep us where we are.

Yesterday, I took the bus to work. I was in a panic from the moment I woke up to the moment I sat down on the bus, because I have a way about me that results in many, many missed busses, trains, and flights. That is another story...or 12.

Once on the bus, it was so calming and peaceful. I took a few deep breaths, closed my eyes, turned on my ipod, listened to some of my favorite "travel songs," and felt like an individual again. It's been over a year and a half since I found out that I was going to be mother. Over a year and a half since Trevor and I committed ourselves to each other for eternity, and over a year and a half since I really gave myself more than a couple minutes of "me time." So on the bus this morning...with this music...the sun just beginning to peer over the mountain range and light up the water...the hum of the bus tires on the freeway...the dim, flickering florescent lights...the smell of recycled air blowing through the heater...I breathed...breathed until the son took me home...home to prayer...home to myself...I almost forgot who she was...I've been mother and "wife" for what feels like, to me (keeping in mind who I am), so long...and then I got it. After a heartfelt prayer over "Explosions in the Sky," God reminded me of who I am, what I love, and what I'm called to do. I am a woman who loves to serve...to humbly help a person in need...to travel...to put up my sail and glide as God's breath guides me in whatever direction He chooses. I love to trust God. To open myself up and say, "ok God. I'm here. I'm ready. Where am I going now?"

So, sitting on this bus, I said, "ok God. I'm here. I'm ready. Where am I going now?"

You know what he said? Something I never thought I'd hear him say. "Megan, you're not going anywhere right now."

"WHAT?!?! But that's not what I wanted to hear! That must not be God. That must be my ego. Let's try this again..." (funny how we try to only credit a voice as God when it's convenient for us)

"Ok God. I'm here. I'm ready. Where am I going now?"

"Megan, you're not going anywhere right now."

"doh! That was definitely God."

"Ok God...explain please...because that makes me feel stuck."

"You're calling is to your fiance. To your son. You are working full time now, but it won't be for long. It is only temporary. After your wedding, you will be a stay at home mom...and it will delight you. You will nurture and educate your son, you will take care of your husband (because he wouldn't take care of himself without you), and you will make time for your self and your art and writing.

"Megan, when you and your family are ready, you will be called to be Missionaries. You will make a difference. You will travel. You will wear the armor of God, and I will protect you. Do not fear, for even though you will be mocked, shamed, and persecuted, you will exist in eternity...forever basking in the light of God."

God's voice sounds amazing floating on top of the amazing melodies of "Explosions in the Sky" by the way. I've always known I was called to love the unloved. To be a light in the darkness. To guide people to Him. No matter how much I tried to push that idea away for fear of being judged or humiliated, it always came back to me. I also used to believe, and have audibly said, many times before, "God didn't call me to be a wife. He called me to love the unloved." I now believe that was a convenient way for me to keep men at a distance. To be intimate with many and committed to none. I once had an atheist tell me, (after kissing me) "Megan, I don't know what this is, but if this is God (meaning, the connection between us, and the feeling he had), then I believe in Him." I smiled, left him, and haven't talked to him since. Apparently, I thought my work was done. Some missionary. : /

Enter Trevor...

It definitely took a persistent man and some serious praying to learn that I would one day make an amazing wife, and that I actually desire to be the kind of wife God describes in the Bible. Truly. Growing up, I would often question if the voices I "heard" were God's or Satan's. If the desires were God-given or temptations. Sometimes I still questions. But when I know I hear God's voice...I know I hear God's voice...

"Megan, you are called to serve me...by serving your husband."

That was God.

I've heard before, "If you want to serve Jesus, become a priest. If you want to be like Jesus, get married." What a way to put your faith into action. Live every day with the same people. It will challenge you. You will be tempted to leave. You will struggle to be present, to not get resentful, to not get angry or annoyed, to not get overwhelmed. Regardless of what you're feeling...if you want to run...if you want to hide under the covers and disappear for a week...if you want to throw a bowl across the kitchen...you are where you are meant to be, and in every action you take that serves your family...you are serving God. And you will be GREATLY rewarded. So serve God. Be like Jesus. Study his ways.

Matthew Kelly, one of my favorite speakers/writers, once signed one of his books for me. He signed it, "There is nothing more attractive than holiness. - Matthew Kelly" That was one of the most transformational moments in my life. That one sentence has stayed with me for almost 10 years and has become my constant prayer and mantra. "Lord, let me be like you. Let others look upon me and see your love and grace."

So, I'm on a bus...and I hear God's voice over the sweet melodies of "Explosions in the Sky." I smile at the thought that God's got good taste in music too.