I've been inspired to write a letter to Micah, for almost a year now...I've written him a few letters here and there, kept a journal for him, but nothing like what I truly want to gift him. Advice...a better perspective on how I genuinely feel about him and about being his mother...about how my relationship with God has completely transitioned into honest faith, trust, and love, how Trevor and I have grown into such a deep appreciation and respect for one another, and how I've come to understand the depths of God's love for us...all through being Micah's mother.
Micah's birthday is May 9th. One year old. One year ago, I was holding my tummy and praying for a smooth delivery. I was afraid of the unknown and inevitable pain, curious about how the labor would go, excited to meet my little bear, and weirded out to know that it would be the last day I'd have a 40 something inch waist, the last day I'd feel him dancing around inside of me, the last day I'd be able to quickly run to the grocery store or go to Happy Hour at any restaurant. I was interested to see how Trevor would hold up with the natural water birth...the realities of the unpretty side of childbirth. Put on your science hat, because there's going to be some pretty gnarly stuff coming out of there...as amazingly romantic, poetic, and peaceful as our labor and delivery was, there was still a good hour or two of science class with our midwife. haha.
Micah, I have not spent a night without you at the foot of my bed. I have not left you for more than a 6 hour work day. I have taken you on adventures at an age where you probably should've still been hiding out in the comforts of our home. You have amazed me, tickled me, loved me, inspired me, fascinated me, taught me, connected me, refreshed me, and humbled me to level of sheer passion.
Your daddy and I went to our Bible Study tonight and learned that "passion" literally means, "to suffer." I feel that. So deeply, I feel that. To be passionate about something or someone...means to care for them or about that so intensely that it brings great anguish...that you pick up your cross and do what needs to be done...all out of love.
Son, I love you passionately. You've opened my heart to a state of complete vulnerability, and I have most definitely experienced great pain and anguish, because of my love for you. From the nights I hear you cry in pain with new teeth, to your sweet whimper when you're tired, to your little arms that reach out for me when I have to leave for work, and to the day I held you in my arms while you were having a seizure. I have experienced anguish.
I have suffered because of my love for you. My days have been overwhelming, my bank account emptied...my house has become a disaster, and my time for myself has disappeared. I have gotten more sick and malnourished in the past year than I have in the 5 years prior, and I have become selfless to a level that I used to believe was an unhealthy loss of identity. I have mourned for myself, wept to myself, and cursed inanimate objects for inconveniencing my already inconvenient lifestyle.
Life has been anything but easy this past year...but no one ever said motherhood was easy. No one ever said that I would get two full consecutive nights of sleep in the first year. No one ever said that I would be a mother goddess who constantly radiated love and light with you in my arms. I've definitely had my radiant moments, but for the most part, I have permanent bags under my bloodshot eyes, my hair is often ratty and unwashed, and I'm often found wearing unmatching, outdated and baggy clothes with a bowl of cereal in one hand and you in my other. It's a sacrifice...that comes from a passion...a passion for the sweetest little soul in one's life...a passion born the moment I got that no one was going to be able to give birth for me...the moment I understood that the only way out was through...the moment I learned the biggest lesson in faith and release...the moment I transformed into a mother.
You are what I live for. You are the purpose behind all that I do. Your presence in this world has connected me closer than ever to God and your daddy. You have blessed me in ways that no one else could ever grasp.
I wish I put this video together and wrote the words she speaks so eloquently. It is everything I want to say to you. Know that I love you dearly and would never take back any moment that I have experienced with you.
Here's to a year of laughter, anguish, joy, tears, love, sacrifice and intense passion. Here's to many more years of that...I look forward to them and accept them whole-heartedly.
